Be one with the road…

So, I just came back from a 2 day filled mini-vacation in the land down under… as in cubanland.The drive there? Not that interesting. Unfortunately, I live in Florida, were everything is flat and swamp like… nothing to see, its pretty much a very boring state to drive… we don’t even have a coast that we can boast about, like California, with those fantastic sea views of the Pacific ocean and its high drops that make your skin crawl. Nope sireee, the only thing that can make your skin crawl in florida is the Miami traffic.

Now, you may be screaming back at me “it’s a city; there is traffic in the city”. And while I may agree with you there, Miami is one of the few BIG metropolitan cities in the US that has no functioning public transportation… as in a “THANK GOD, I don’t have to drive” Metro system. We have a “metrorail” which is worth shit. Mickey Mouse has a better system in Disney than the city of Miami. Trust me.

So what do you get in this beautiful city? A city congested with way to many drivers out on the road to hell. And with a bad case of “don’t know how to drive syndrome”.  That folks makes for one bad combination.

So in order to help you, if you ever in the fair cubaland city down under, here are some important observations (which I have learned by trial and error) that will help you manage this cities crazy implied traffic customs:

Situation #1: You are the lead car making a left at a very busy intersection: You will move your car to the middle of the intersection when the light turns yellow. When the light turns red, you will wait for cars to continue crossing (they will) and then you’ll casually and slowly make your left turn. No less than two other cars behind you will follow.

Situation #2: Getting on the interstate. Our interstates are very dangerous places but entering them is easy. There are two distinct ways to merge into an interstate.

1) Slow and easy: You shall drive up the onramp at no more than 25MPH and hope someone lets you in. Drive to the end of the onramp, stop, and put your left turn signal on until someone stops traffic and lets you in. This is recommended if there is a lot of luggage and passengers in the car and you are on the cell phone.
2) Attack the interstate: Using this approach you shall drive on the onramp at no less than 75MPH. When the onramp ends, you will continue driving on the right shoulder until there is a free spot for you to merge. You can use this approach when your off ramp is one of the next 2-3 off ramps, where it does not make any sense to actually drive on a freeway lane – you’re just going to get off anyway. Use this when you’re the only one on the road late for an appointment, and you can take this time to also call on the cell phone.

Situation #3: Driving on the interstate: You shall always drive on the left-most lane of the freeway, unless you are exceeding the prevailing average traffic speed by at least 30MPH which frees you from that obligation and you are then allowed to weave around the lanes as you wish. If there is the slightest hint of rain, you will slow to 45MPH or less. Don’t mind the other faster drivers; they haven’t been acclimated to our custom of passing on the left at a high rate of speed. So as to not create an unsafe situation, you shall always keep a turn signal on, thereby notifying other drivers of your presence. To be more visible, the turn signal that remains on shall be the one opposite of where you will eventually move to; this keeps other drivers alert.

Situation #4: Getting off the interstate: It is your obligation to drive on the leftmost lane of the freeway (see sit. #2). Therefore, when your exit comes up, you shall wait until the last possible nano-second and cut across all lanes of traffic to make your exit. You shall refrain from signaling your intent. If you leave your left-turn signal on during this maneuver you will have perfected it like the best of the locals.

Situation #5: Driving on a green light: If you find yourself to be the first car in a two-lane road intersection on a red light, for safety’s sake you shall not go when the light turns green. You shall always wait until you are given a reminder via a friendly “honk” from one of the 10 cars behind you. Once you receive this friendly reminder, you shall proceed through the intersection slowly. Bonus: If you are turning left at that same intersection, when given the friendly reminder, you shall inch forward but do not leave your lane, THEN turn your left turn signal on and wait. Then proceed as Sit. #1.

Situation #6: Approaching an intersection with a traffic signal: For simplicity’s sake follow these guidelines: Green light – proceed through intersection as normal. Yellow light – proceed through intersection as normal. Red light – Floor the gas and proceed through intersection as normal; unless you are prevented from doing so by the idiot in front of you who decided to stop for the red light.

Situation #7: Dealing with pedestrians, motorcycles, scooters, bicycles and other road nuisances: Our fair city is composed of a variety of “motorists” (term used very loosely) which come from different countries where some of these road nuisances are treated as game. These same individuals often have a very limited grasp of the concepts of respect of life, English as a Second Language, individual rights, crime and punishment and the such. Therefore, since the customs vary wildly from country to country, and in the interest of uniformity, you will ignore any and all of these nuisances when you command the wheel of a motorized vehicle. Pretend they are not there as you drive – Bonus if you drive an SUV. If these people do not have enough sense to acquire and drive a motor vehicle, then they should be nowhere near a road.

Other assorted guidelines:

Highly recommended that you are driving the largest vehicle available. Bonus if you are the only one who’ll ever be in it. Double Bonus if it’s a large SUV with quadruple four-wheel-drive, with 22-inch wheels or larger.

Stop signs are suggestions, not actual law.

Yield signs are always meant for the other guy.

Most IMPORTANT: Multitasking while driving is a must. You will attempt to maximize your driving time by talking or texting on your cell phone. If you are of the persuasion and you have DVD screens in your car, those shall be on at all times (porn programming is optional) so you and your passengers can watch videos and drive.

Now go with my blessing and remember, be one with the road.. ahummmm

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Miami

The reason why I moved away from Miami was that I just could not handle the crowds of people that were flocking the city, because that meant crowns and traffic and a bunch of other stuff that a city has to deal with when its suddenly hit with an inflow of people from … EVERYWHERE.

When your daily routine was coordinated around the traffic patters of the city, I knew I was done for. So I moved to a much smaller town, which drove me nuts until I came to my senses and moved to Tampa, which is a cross between a town wanting to be a city very, very bad.  Sort of like the city that “did not want to grow up”.

But, back to Miami…  I do love it, and in some rare (notice the RARE) occasions I still miss it, not all of it but parts of it.  I love that you  find a perfect Café con Leche in pretty much every corner of the city.  Or a great empanada, the ways that it’s suppose to be made.  That my favorite thrift shop can be counted in providing me with that great find of Armani pants at the bargain price of $9.95, because you know… there is a LABEL on the pants and it’s lined on the INSIDE!  And of course the friends that I still have there.

Unfortunately, all that pales to the rudeness, the crowns and the simple fact that Miami has become one big nasty place to visit, even while you are there on vacation.

It took the city only one day to reminded me, why I had left in the first place.

My mother and I decided that we had time to kill before we made our appointment so we stopped at the new Ikea store that just open up.  Now, as most of you know… I LOVE Ikea… I could live in that store, the only reason I have not gone bankrupt is because they have affordable stuff, the kind that you can buy, and looks good, and last and it’s not going to break your bank account.

Now the Ikea store has been open for over a month, and while there seem to be a huge following on the openings of these stores, we figure that enougth time had pass to let that grand opening comodity die.

I knew it was bad when….

We could not park at the actual store parking lot… no we had to drive 2 miles north of the store, were you could park and ride a trolley back down the street and get dropped off.

Upon entering the store 2 people actually pushed their way around me to get a shopping cart… now this would not have been so bad if I would had been reaching for the last shopping cart, but when there are about 50 carts in front of you, this is just plain rude.  I’m still waiting for the apology on the shove.

The line in the restaurant was insane, so much so, that I had to ask one of the representatives if they were still giving away free food or something.  Her response “no, no giveaway, guess they like our food” – yeah, guess so.

When using the bathroom, discovering that they were OUT of TP and people were using paper towel and 5 of the stalls were blocked.. Not a pretty sight (or smell). 

I lasted 30 minutes before I busted out of there.

We did go back the next day, since according to the information desk “if you come during the weekday, it will not be so crowded but (and she said this last part in a whisper all top-secret like) you need to come in early”

But by then the whole enjoyment was washed away from me. 

Not its not an alligator crossing

When you travel in Florida there are 2 major interstates that will take you to Miami.  I-75 which runs on the west side of the state and then I-95 which runs on the east side.  If you take I-75, you then have to take Alligator Alley which runs west to east (Naples to Fort Lauderdale).

Now for the most part this is a calm piece of interstate, boring as hell… since there is not much to see, its a 2 lane highway and its divided by the middle medium, which its made off dead grass.  To the sides you have swamps… with fences, because god forbid this turns into an alligator crossing and the traffic will actually have to STOP to let them pass.

So here we are … making great time, even after we stopped for breakfast.  We were able to leave early enough so as not to catch the traffic in the Fort Myers to Naples leg of the trip.  So we were pretty much cruising along expecting to be in Miami within the hour.

Then we hit the entrance to Alligator Ally… were the trafic came to a complete stop.  Not forward, not side to side, but a COMPLETE Stop.

It could only mean something.  An accident and a bad one at that.  Like typical floridians, we speculated on what was going on… in the meantime, while sitting there not doing a thing, with the car engine off – (THE GAS is costing to much!)  You observed your fellow highway companions.

it ain’t pretty.

To the white BMW in front of us at the traffic jam in Alligator Alley:  No, its NOT ok to be a monkey and jump on the top of your car to see what the “stand-still” of traffic was… dude if you live in Florida you know that the only thing that makes traffic stop is a major accident (and /oralligators) and not a pretty one.

To the black Lexus SUV to the left of us, in the same traffic jam.  Its NOT ok to take of your shoes, socks and then proceed to sit on the drivers side of your car with your feet sticking out of the window… can we all say icky?  And why is your girlfriend taking a picture???? Tourist!

To the Rescue Team:  Please, please work slower, if we have to sit in a stand-still traffic jam, the least you can do is give us a peek of the better plarts of the accident.

To the Florida Highway Commissioners:  Explain why the toll has gone up a whole dollar now?  Its the same road and I’m pretty sure you will need a doctor’s visit\

To the guy in the black lexus who cut me off between 103rd street and 135th… Up yours too buddy!

Roadtrip!

On my way to sunny Miami.  For 3 days, some of the highlights which I looking forward to:

Meeting long lost friends

IKEA

Banking

Traffic Jams

Rude people

Great cafe con Leche

Los Ranchos 

I will be taking the iPod Touch, and the MacBook, hopefully there will be enough crazy to keep you and myself entertained for those 3 days.