Yes, please, a tall Espresso Macchiato and make it breve too. But, on the way home…

28 Oct

#43, The New Yorker was on time, well dressed and not bad looking, he did not look like his picture, but it was because he was slimmer in real life. He was charming, entertaining, we had no breaks in the conversations, and the topics for being the first coffee date were wide-ranging and amusing. We got to know the “family” topics, the “how you ended up in Florida” the “what you do to pay the bills”… all in all it was not a bad date. I did not see fireworks and there was not an immediate sparks… but then I’m old enough to know better – who the hell am I kidding? Deep down I do want the fireworks and the butterflies (but that is my deep rooted secret) So, we talked, enjoyed the sun and talked some more… then we said our good byes, he had to work and I wanted to get home. We shook hands and he told me “I will call you and we do lunch” – I will give him 2 days of shelf life.

But on to more interesting things:

Last night I got a request from RUYN to read my blog. Yes, people, curiosity has struck that cat, (stop this ride I want to get off!) He knew for a while that I have it, and knows that I write about my dates. He did ask me if I ever written about him and before I knew it, I spill it that yes, I have written about him and our relationship. (What can I say, I suck at lying, and that is why I never try). While all of this external conversation was taking place, my internal head was working overtime thinking “oh, oh…the hell?” I was re-reading, re-editing in my mind the amount of posts that I have written about RUYN… were they good or bad? Did I make him sound good or bad? Did I ever came across and sound desperate?(who am I kidding? or course I sound desperate, it’s my freaking blog, I’ll sound desperate if I want to!) I think I sort of spaced out in the moment, since I not sure if I gave him an answer or not (I did not, more on that later).

So this morning while I was happily going about my “great day” bits of the conversation keep popping in my head. Yep, it was not a dream, he did request it and shit, I did not give him an answer. So I read back on all of the post (I did not change a thing, (not even when I found mis-spellings, to do so will be to cheat the whole purpose of the blog in the first place) I called in re-enforcements (my NYC pals) who after much emailing back and forth had this to tell me: its your decision, what does your gut tell you? (I hate when other people are right!)

The original purpose of the blog started more as a hobby…I know this is hard to believe, but, I had plenty of time on my hands a couple of months ago… I always like to keep a diary, (it all started in boarding school and I was 12 years old.. oh wait, back to this story) which helped me to clear my mind and vent without hurting innocent bystanders. Plus, you know how much weird shit happens in my every day life? I mean I just had to have a blog… Had to!

But, once I started, I realized that for me it made me happy, having moved to a different city and not having my closest friends around, the blog had become my escape, my surrogate friend if you will, where I could write my thoughts, ideas and my craziness and not have anyone judge me or talk back with sound advice (who needs that?). It has opened my eyes to how I see and feel about things (I do read back on my post and most of the time slap my forehead knowingly.) and it has brought a whole new element to my life.

So, did I want to share it with someone that it’s close to home? That was the million dollar question today. And with every decision in my life I sat down, had piece of chocolate and listen to my gut.

But, not before giving myself a talk. I mean why was I afraid of giving him permission? I been honest with him, not only about myself but my feelings for him. I have nothing to hide (well, maybe that deep down I’m more crazy that I let on) and he has shown (numerous time) that not only he is mature and level headed but he gets me. Why would he not get my blog?

Tonight, I gave RUYN the link to my inner little world here.

Did I make the right decision? Time will tell. Hopefully, he will see the humor in my rantings and frustrations about our relationship; he will know when to take things on the slide (I’m still a drama queen, wanting attention) and when to respect and understand my feelings about things that really matter to me. I have the utmost confident that he will recognized that I been honest with him from the beginning and that he can continue to trust that our arrangement will be respected. If he knows me, and I think he does, he will know that I do not have any hidden agendas when it comes to us and will take this as just another level of myself, that I’m willing to open up to him, because when all is said and done, I do trust him, he has shown to me the kind of person he is and when push comes to shove… My gut is never wrong.

Now my treacherous heart is a whole different matter.

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