Fighting to stay afloat

11 Feb

It has come to light that MG feels uncomfortable that I have a blog. I have to try to let him understand that this is my escape, just like for some music, scrap booking, crochet, jumping of airplanes… well, you get the idea. I really do not know what I would do if I cannot come here and write this shit out… I would literelly go towards the deep end if I cannot have this escape.

We have hit a snag in our relationship… I don’t know if we can survive it. The issues are deep and unfortunately they are out of my control. On this one I have to sit it out and wait since I’m not in the driver’s seat.

The thing is that I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of being the one to understand, to smile and say that I will wait. It seems to be that everyone loves me as a friend, as a friend with benefits, as a friend shrink, as a friend to drink with…in short as a fucking friend. I want a relationship damn it! I want to be part of two, I want to have someone to come home to and cook for, someone to do their laundry, someone to be with me when I have a bad day. Someone that looks at me and smiles, to laugh with at the stupid TV commercials, to hold me when I need to cry my shit out.

I don’t think I have it in me to go back out there single hood land… my sails are completely out of air and I’m just fighting to stay afloat.

I understand the reasons behind it. I guess I’m paying for other sins. Sometimes other women just don’t know what they have and mess it up, and in their wake leave casualties. Casualties which I tend to be the one to pick up, dust off, and then send on their merry way for someone else to come and reap on my hard work.

But for now, I’m in to deep and he is worth so much, that I’m going to sit quietly in the driver seat, keep my mouth shut and let him get to where he is headed. Hopefully there will not be a stop on the way there, to let me out.

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