Breakup – Day 2

13 Feb

I skipped Day 1, since it was just horrible and I don’t think I can subject myself to reapeat it via writing – it was just not very pretty. Its better left in the past.

Day 2? Not going so well… either

I always took pride in the fact that I could handle my relationship breakups in a mature and logical way. I mean, things did not work out; we cut our losses and move on. Nice, simple and very black and white – no grays (the “gray” areas just complicate everything) I avoid the gray areas at all cost. Trust me, they just mess you up.

My breakup with MG is taking a life on its own. I can’t seem to be able to get a handle on this one. And I have tried to put it in perspective and give myself the pep “talks”…

“its for the best”,
“it’s a sign, it was not meant to be”
“this will make you stronger”
“it will pass”
“he was not the one”

Yada, yada, yada….

… and all of the BS, that we seem to talk our self into, knowing all the while that it does not matter. It hurts, it pisses you off and no, it does not make you stronger, what it does its turns you into a cry baby at any given moment and in the most inappropriate places. I’m sure that the lady at the Starbuck’s counter this morning thought I was some type of wacko lady, and did not appreciate it when I completely lost it as she was handing me my morning latte. It took me a while to pull it together.

It feels a bit like an out of body thing. I’m walking, talking and basically going about my day as every other day. Except that everything reminds me of him. The African violet plant he gave me on our first week together, which surprisingly it’s still alive, looks back at me, mocking me, sitting pretty on my desk. The moments in the day were I know he would call me to catch up – I hate the clocks now, I hate routines, I hate that I cannot do this in a mature way. I hate the fact that if he calls me right now, I will go back in a heartbeat.

It’s like an unexpected death, one that comes from left field, not preparing you at all for the outcome. I did not have a chance to treasure those last moments, because I did not know there were “the” last moments. The last kiss, the last hug, the last laugh, the last time I would see his face, hear his voice…

I’m was thinking that tomorrow would be easier, until I looked up and realized that it’s February 14th… it’s going to be hell.

Hell! I looking forward to my dentist appoitment more than tomorrow, that should give you a bit of insight on how mess up I am.


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