Here we go on the cane-go-round … AGAIN!

31 May

The 2006 hurricane season is here, and if you’re a resident of Florida, you know what that means: It means you have the IQ of bean dip. If you had any working brain cells, by now you’d have moved to some less risky place, such as Iraq. This is especially true after last hurricane season, which was so bad that we went all the way through the alphabet of official names and had to refer to the last batch of hurricanes by making primitive grunting sounds.

Unfortunately, it appears we’re in for another bad season. The National Center for Making Everybody Shit-on-themselves About Hurricanes is predicting that this season there will be 10 major hurricanes, defined as “hurricanes that cause us Floridian to pray to the lord above and make it turn every which way except here.” Because frankly our governor’s idea of a plan is bound to fail:

According to the center’s computer simulations, at least four of those storms will hit the mainland United States, and at least one of those will come directly to your house and cause a tree branch, traveling at 150 mph, to impale itself where you least wanted it to be.

So in honor of the 2006 season here are some important tips in order to be ready for the next hurricane

TIP 1: TRY TO HAVE SOME KIND OF A CLUE.

Let me explain:

When a hurricane is approaching Florida, we get a LOT of advance warning. Usually for the entire week leading up to its arrival, the newspaper prints large headlines that say HURRICANE COMING, along with many stories reminding people to stock up on water, gas and food. All the radio stations announce roughly every 25 seconds that a hurricane is coming and people will need water, gas and food. On TV, every local station weather reporter spends hour after hour pointing at the oncoming radar blob and rasping, in the voice of an ailing seal, about the need to stock up on water, gas and food.

So what happens, EVERY SINGLE TIME? I’ll tell you! Immediately after the hurricane passes, lines begin to form all over Florida — lines of people, thousands of them, who are in desperate need of — water, gas and food! WHERE HAVE THESE PEOPLE BEEN? Did the hurricane winds just carry them here from Madagascar? How can they not even have WATER?? Were they not aware that, as the hurricane approached, they could have gotten all the water they needed MERELY BY TURNING ON THE FREAKING WATER FAUCET???

That’s what I mean by “have some kind of clue.”

TIP 2: BE PREPARED FOR POWER OUTAGES.

As you know, most of the electrical companies had some problems last hurricane season, when it was discovered that, because of an error in the engineering specifications, thousands of the company’s power poles were in fact really tall breadsticks. The electrical companies have been working hard on this problem, and a company spokesperson states that this year, if we are struck by another Wilma-level hurricane, their personnel will immediately implement an action plan designed to provide all customers, as quickly and as safely as possible, with realistic-sounding excuses as to why their power will not be restored for an indeterminate period of time.

EXPLANATION OF `OOPS!’

”Our goal is to have plausible excuses for 80 percent of our customers within three days,” stated a spokesperson. “Of course it may take longer, especially if we have to bring in excuses from other power companies.”

So just in case, you might want to invest in a generator. These invaluable machines enable you, even when your power is out, to annoy the hell out of your neighbors.

MOVE IT OR LOSE IT

One final note: If we do lose power, the traffic signals will be out. That’s why it’s so important to remember:

TIP 3: KNOW THE CORRECT PROCEDURE FOR A FOUR-WAY STOP.

What do I mean by ”the correct procedure for a four-way stop?” I mean: Get out of my way.

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