Roadside disasters – not for wimps!

4 Jun

So, I just found out that my “X” (formally knows as MG) is reading me around these parts… who knew? When we were together he would sometimes read my entries, but back then I was riding on a magic carpet ride and thought the sun and moon set on him… so my entries were all poetic and nice and shit.

Then of course, after the “breakup” that poetic and niceness turned into a bit of nastiness and petty childhood behavior.

This blog is my cheap therapy and I was dealing ok.

Since the breakup, we had contact, but very minimal and we (the both of us) have sort of called a truce and have slowly tried to built back our friendship base – we started with it before we turned it into the “romantic relationship” and we both, (by some unspoken agreement) wanted that part of it back.

So, when I received the following text message from him: “read your blog, not very nice”. My first thought was “the hell”? He is telling me “not very nice’? Who the hell does he thing he is… he was “not very nice” towards me either, so what’s his excuse? Then I thought, he is fucking reading the blog?? Which made me rush to archives and re-read the entries to see how far my meanness extended. (When I’m not supervised I do tend to be very mean and in this case not very guarded).

But, after reading the back posts, I came to the conclusion that I was nowhere mean. I was being me! 100% me! And when I show the raw me… I pretty much dish out the uncensored truth about things, especially when my feelings are involved. For some it’s not very pretty, others (those that know me well) understand my need to be raw and exposed, which is the only way I can heal a hurt.

It’s my band-aid , my CPR, my crash cart.

Then it got me thinking… how much truth can we REALLY handle? For my part I think the “X” is not very good about hearing or handling the truth (not many people are). And I’m assuming that when he read the post about him, his conscious came to the surface, and them heard that little voice inside, YES! You did hurt her, YES! You were inconsiderate, YES! You lied. And I can go on, and on – but why sing that tired old song again? What is done is done and you CANNOT take it BACK.

So, in the spirit of making nice, I brought it up in conversation and asked him if he wanted me to stop making references about him and our experiences and how I felt about them. (I was not going to do such thing, but I was being polite) Surprisingly he said, “No, you can keep writing about it, you don’t have to stop”. And this, my friend was a bit of a revelation.

Could I hope? Was he acting a bit mature? It was sort of “this is to good to be true… and usually it is!

And then… I recognize the junkie in him…

In this case, a “disaster” junkie. Yeah, the one that we all carry inside of us… the one that stops at a roadside accident hoping to see the body parts and blood splatter around the sidewalk, we know its not pretty, or nice (and we will never admit to this behavior in proper company), but we still slow down and will make every effort to take a peek. Or maybe it’s that curiosity that we all carry inside of us, wanting to know what someone else thinks about us, or says about us, behind our backs. (You know what I’m talking about right? – The “I wish I-was-a-fly-on-wall” thing)

mmmm, I was on to him!

But, I did dish out some truth, and my truth was that I was going to continue to blog about him and sometimes (if he pissed me off) I would not be nice as to describing my feelings about it. There was not way I was going to sign a DNR order on our saga. So I was warning him – no turning back… and besides, if he cannot handle the truth, all he has to do is not slow down this roadside accident and take a peek…

but, then again, my roadside accidents are quite impressive disasters and demand to be seen.

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