Sweet Courtship… and it was NOT on the list.

19 Sep

I do better when I have all my ducks in a row. I need to know where I stand and were eventually I’m going (even thought I sometimes seem a bit clueless were my life is at the moment). I make list for everything, for the things I do, for the routes I’m going to take when I do the things on the list. I’m a list person. I live with a list. I make list for the books that I want to check out when I eventually get to Borders, or a list of the movies I want to put in my Netflix list, or a list of birthdays for the month … as you can see a full list person.

But no list of mine ever included this bit of a curve ball….

The Blue Hat and I have fallen into this easy and sweet courtship, yes courtship… is that word even use now a days? I don’t care, I like it and I’m going to use it, I’m even going to be saying it while typing it, because I also like the sound of it.

But what ever we call it, its wonderful. It’s sweet to have someone to call each day, to tell the big things and the little things to. I snap mental daily moments in my head and tell him over our daily check in. It’s fun to hear about all the details of his day, even when I’m hearing the same routine, it makes me feel closer to the daily routine that I’m seeking with him and that I yet do not have.

We share a mutual attraction and respect and the fundamental compatibilities, that if worked right, would make for a extraordinary partnership.

But (oh yes there is that), when all is said and done, no list of mine is going to help me with this bad, bad tendency: Impatience. Yes, I like things right away, I hate to wait for them, I hate that saying “good things come to those that wait” that is just.crap. I want what I want when I want it. Yeah, I know…not such a good trait.

Having said that, I’m impatient about the things we don’t have. Like time together. We don’t really have the chance for the calm, daily, boring time, talking about things like: why he forgot to buy the milk, or the toilet paper on his way home.

I see us fighting over the soap or why the TIVO is filled up with shows that we don’t have the time to see. I do see a future with this man… and at the same time I putting all the breaks possible, because I just don’t want us to mess it up. As much as I hate the time … I want it, I crave it, since time will give us the greatest gift, a strong foundation for us to build a solid relationship, one that will not fall apart at its first earthquakes and those, I know, will come, because we are still strangers in so many ways. I have become invested in this, so much so that I sometimes walk around in a constant state of denial – its easier to do so, that to face up to the fact that whatever happens, this sweet, patient, solid man has given me back what I lost in my last relationship.

Affirmation…that I deserve this, that I’m allow to dream and dream big. That I can open my heart again and let feelings in, that is ok to be me with all the good and the bad and that someone will still like me for me. And to hope for all of those things that I stopped hoping for a long time ago.

And that folks is the sweetest thing out of this courtship.


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