Not so rosy anymore…

1 Dec

As some may have notice, I been sporadically posting on the blog. Not because things are not happening in my life (good stuff to write about too) but because once in a while I get so stress out that the level hits a point where all I want to do is hide out from everyone around me and sit around doing nothing but eat chocolate, watch episodes after episodes of American Next Top Models and not get out of my PJ’s for days on end.

Normally this onset of sluggishness behavior comes when I have too much going on, when I feel like everyone wants a piece of me, when things just do not seem to fall into place as easily as they should. My personality tends to take a nose dive and I become moody, anxious and just plain bitchy (in the bad way). And as the holiday season draws nearer it gets worse for me, while some see this period of the year as a happy, and joyous occasion, for me it’s just the start of additional stress… From November to January I feel pressured to be a wonderful host, entertain a scores of loved ones, celebrate birthdays (including my own, which is rolling in 20 days! how the hell that happen????) find the perfect present for everyone, deal with the crowds at the mall, at the supermarket, at the post office… you get the picture.

I have tried to thinks of ways to just let go and enjoy the spirit of the season, but I just cannot find the inner balance to do so. I know that it’s me, since I tend to overextend myself, trying, with way to much effort, to craft the ultimate celebration for the given event. I have identified that since I’m a perfectionist this bit of a trait gets me in quite a heap of trouble more often than not.

I usually shake it off, but this year, for some unknown reason it’s affecting me in a big way and I started to take out on the people around me. While my family knows me and knows to stay as far away as they can possibly can until it blows over, the BF is experiencing this bit of personally curb ball for the first time and it’s all confuse as to how to handle it; so he has taken the approach of constantly asking if everything is “ok”.

While I appreciate that he knows something has change with me, and is worried enough to ask, he has taken it to the extreme and for the past weeks shown a bit of insecurity and has fallen into the habit of constantly ASKING if everything is OK. While it has bother me, I understand that for him, this is a new territory, with new rules and keeping this in mind, I have taken the time to reassure him that while, not everything is ok, it has nothing to do with our relationship and to just give me space to take care of it, that it will blow over.

Apparently, this bit of insight did not compute in this “man mind” and this past week, he asked one to many times and we ended up having our first fight in the 6 months of our dating. And as any good fighter may tell you, others things came to light in the heat of the battle.

So, I lied, some of my behavior these past weeks, has to do with our relationship.

The relationship with the BF, up until now, has been comfortable and stable and I love the way he keeps me in mind all the time. He is polite, a true gentleman, someone that I know I can count on. Someone that will put me first before him and will be happy to just be next to me at all times. And that seems to be the problem with me… the “Next to me, at ALL TIMES!” factor – Yikes! While I love to have a man that wants to be with me, I also like a man that has his own interest and craves personal time and space as much as I do. I think a healthy relationship means having things in common and things not so in common with each other.

I have come to dislike that fact that the BF is content leading an undemanding, mundane life. The routine of his daily life is always constant and never changing, while mine is volatile and constantly irregular. Now, I know that we can compliment each other, but I realized that while he may be open to new experiences and be willing to try new things, it’s not something that he feels comfortable doing and unconsciously fights it every step of the way. Instead of seeing it as an opportunity for me to show him new things and enjoying the process of discovery within him, it’s just creating a tremendous burden in me, since I know that he is not comfortable doing it and I hate to force anyone to do something that they do not feel secure to do in the first place.

The other factor that is coming into play is that I’m finding myself evaluating my feelings towards him. Yes, I like him A LOT, yes I enjoy being with him, he makes me laugh, he makes me happy… (happier that I been in a long time) but (yeah, there is that) I question myself over and over “would he be someone that I can fall in love with?”, and I mean truly in love, the kind that grabs you and holds you no matter what. And while I could fall in love with him, it will not be that shattering love you till death due us part. And I been in enough relationships to know that I’m someone that needs that. I have been waiting to long and not settling for anything less to start acting all chicken-out like.

So, we have hit a snag in our rosy relationship path. And I’m not in the best disposition to attempt to understand it or fix it. I just don’t have the tolerance right now to hold anyone’s hand, since I desperately need someone to hold mine.

This is not a good thing.

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