Things to watch out while out and about in Alaska

18 Sep

So this past Friday, the sis and I go into the bookstore to peruse over travel books (and drink mass amount of coffee) about Alaska, (told you, I’m way ORGANIZED), to see what we can find to do while out and about on the port of call during our upcoming cruise which will take place in THREE DAYS… that’s like in 72 HOURS… I could put the minutes and the seconds, but that will just be RUBBING IT IN.

So, back to the story… we are in the bookstore, which by the way needs to train their people better… Note to the management of Borders: “A” comes before “F”. (Yeah, the person in charge of the travel section, apparently did not know their ABC’s) so we find the books, a total of about 6 folks – SIX! (That should have clued us in) And after reading all of those SIX! Books we have come to a big great conclusion:

We are going to be BORED in like 2 days.

We will be among the most beautiful scenery in the country, but BORED.

See, my friends are city people, the kind that drinks lots and lots of cappuccinos and espressos and use hair dryers and basically avoid sweating at all cost, because its just gross. So this trip is a bit of a test in how well we do being “one” with nature. Now, while we may surprise ourselves and find our inner-nature, when you have the “Red Dog Saloon” and “Dollies’ house” (the town brothel) as our source of night entertainment in town; we are in for a treat I tell you.

But nothing.. Nothing! prepare us for this bit of information … apparently you can get killed in Alaska…

in 8 different ways!

And not to let Letterman in all the fun, here they are…

Number 8: Drinking tainted water – HELLO STOP THE PRESS.. I though we were out in beautiful and GREEN Alaska???? Mmm, guess pollutions does go up there.

Number 7: Kneeling over from bad ??? – I cannot even read my writing… so you guys come up with something BAD!

Number 6: Drowning crossing a river – You think? So my question would be: why in the hell would you be crossing a river in the first place? And if you can do it, I will presume that it will be like deep to your ankles and if you drown in the shallow end, you do deserved to die.

Number 5: Getting lost – hey as long as we can see the mega ship in the horizon, I think we will be safe.

Number 4: Eaten by bugs – yeah by BUGS… apparently you cannot die from this, but you may wish you did … BFF will be having a problem with this, she cannot even bring herself to kill a roach, never mind the mega mosquitoes in Alaska.

Number 3: From exposure – They were very vague about this one, exposure to what? Weather? Indecent? What??? The sis and I assume it was to cold weather, since like we need to keep to the theme of things…but, this one will be tough I tell you, I mean we have jackets and thermal underwear; I doubt we will freeze to death… plus remember “SHIP in the HORIZON” – with HEATER!

Number 2: Drowning in freezing water – unless you go swimming, how can you drown? And who would go swimming in below zero temperature waters? Plus refer to #6 on this one

And the number 1?

Getting eaten by a bear – this one seems to happen a lot (yeah I Google it). And we got this one covered; (or so we think) we are just not going into the wilderness, unless we have a good-looking Alaska man with us, one that can protect us scare the bad big grizzly bear away. And if we cannot find that, we have plan “B”, we all may come from the city, and we have far worse thing than bears there… See? We got all this wilderness thing beat!


4 Responses to “Things to watch out while out and about in Alaska”

  1. BeelzebuDasHell September 19, 2007 at 11:21 am #

    You are going on a frigging cruise. Instead of worrying about grizzly bears attacking you, you should be ready for the two-legged predators that roam the decks of ships.
    #1 violent crime inside cruise ships is assault , followed by rape. What precautions are you taking for that?

  2. BeelzebuDasHell September 19, 2007 at 11:23 am #

    And do not forget to pack a couple of boxes of Imodium. Can you say Norovirus?

  3. Diane Mandy September 20, 2007 at 9:05 pm #

    I disagree with Beel…bad cruise lounge singers will be the most detrimental to your health. Seriously, you’ll have a great time. You’re not required to stay at the port any longer than you want. And, hopefully, there will be plenty of activities on the ship for you to enjoy. Can’t wait to hear how it goes. Alaska is on my short list.

  4. BeelzebuDasHell September 20, 2007 at 11:04 pm #

    Check the Miami Herald today. FBI’s report on crimes aboard cruiseships.
    You may want to take a small concealable impact weapon with you in case some idiot wants to get fresh. My recomendation is a Surefire 6P Defender (, a small flashlight (fits in the palm of your hand) with a crenellated Strike Bezel. Keeps your path iluminated and will mess up any idiot that gets the wrong end of it. Just blind him with the high output light and then bang his face with the right end of the instrument.
    If you like knives and feel brave to smuggle one on board, buy the Boker Subcom. I carry it everyday and is about an inch and a half long, easy to conceal.(
    Above all, stay aware, be careful. Take no BS.

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