Be one with the road…

17 Mar

So, I just came back from a 2 day filled mini-vacation in the land down under… as in cubanland.The drive there? Not that interesting. Unfortunately, I live in Florida, were everything is flat and swamp like… nothing to see, its pretty much a very boring state to drive… we don’t even have a coast that we can boast about, like California, with those fantastic sea views of the Pacific ocean and its high drops that make your skin crawl. Nope sireee, the only thing that can make your skin crawl in florida is the Miami traffic.

Now, you may be screaming back at me “it’s a city; there is traffic in the city”. And while I may agree with you there, Miami is one of the few BIG metropolitan cities in the US that has no functioning public transportation… as in a “THANK GOD, I don’t have to drive” Metro system. We have a “metrorail” which is worth shit. Mickey Mouse has a better system in Disney than the city of Miami. Trust me.

So what do you get in this beautiful city? A city congested with way to many drivers out on the road to hell. And with a bad case of “don’t know how to drive syndrome”.  That folks makes for one bad combination.

So in order to help you, if you ever in the fair cubaland city down under, here are some important observations (which I have learned by trial and error) that will help you manage this cities crazy implied traffic customs:

Situation #1: You are the lead car making a left at a very busy intersection: You will move your car to the middle of the intersection when the light turns yellow. When the light turns red, you will wait for cars to continue crossing (they will) and then you’ll casually and slowly make your left turn. No less than two other cars behind you will follow.

Situation #2: Getting on the interstate. Our interstates are very dangerous places but entering them is easy. There are two distinct ways to merge into an interstate.

1) Slow and easy: You shall drive up the onramp at no more than 25MPH and hope someone lets you in. Drive to the end of the onramp, stop, and put your left turn signal on until someone stops traffic and lets you in. This is recommended if there is a lot of luggage and passengers in the car and you are on the cell phone.
2) Attack the interstate: Using this approach you shall drive on the onramp at no less than 75MPH. When the onramp ends, you will continue driving on the right shoulder until there is a free spot for you to merge. You can use this approach when your off ramp is one of the next 2-3 off ramps, where it does not make any sense to actually drive on a freeway lane – you’re just going to get off anyway. Use this when you’re the only one on the road late for an appointment, and you can take this time to also call on the cell phone.

Situation #3: Driving on the interstate: You shall always drive on the left-most lane of the freeway, unless you are exceeding the prevailing average traffic speed by at least 30MPH which frees you from that obligation and you are then allowed to weave around the lanes as you wish. If there is the slightest hint of rain, you will slow to 45MPH or less. Don’t mind the other faster drivers; they haven’t been acclimated to our custom of passing on the left at a high rate of speed. So as to not create an unsafe situation, you shall always keep a turn signal on, thereby notifying other drivers of your presence. To be more visible, the turn signal that remains on shall be the one opposite of where you will eventually move to; this keeps other drivers alert.

Situation #4: Getting off the interstate: It is your obligation to drive on the leftmost lane of the freeway (see sit. #2). Therefore, when your exit comes up, you shall wait until the last possible nano-second and cut across all lanes of traffic to make your exit. You shall refrain from signaling your intent. If you leave your left-turn signal on during this maneuver you will have perfected it like the best of the locals.

Situation #5: Driving on a green light: If you find yourself to be the first car in a two-lane road intersection on a red light, for safety’s sake you shall not go when the light turns green. You shall always wait until you are given a reminder via a friendly “honk” from one of the 10 cars behind you. Once you receive this friendly reminder, you shall proceed through the intersection slowly. Bonus: If you are turning left at that same intersection, when given the friendly reminder, you shall inch forward but do not leave your lane, THEN turn your left turn signal on and wait. Then proceed as Sit. #1.

Situation #6: Approaching an intersection with a traffic signal: For simplicity’s sake follow these guidelines: Green light – proceed through intersection as normal. Yellow light – proceed through intersection as normal. Red light – Floor the gas and proceed through intersection as normal; unless you are prevented from doing so by the idiot in front of you who decided to stop for the red light.

Situation #7: Dealing with pedestrians, motorcycles, scooters, bicycles and other road nuisances: Our fair city is composed of a variety of “motorists” (term used very loosely) which come from different countries where some of these road nuisances are treated as game. These same individuals often have a very limited grasp of the concepts of respect of life, English as a Second Language, individual rights, crime and punishment and the such. Therefore, since the customs vary wildly from country to country, and in the interest of uniformity, you will ignore any and all of these nuisances when you command the wheel of a motorized vehicle. Pretend they are not there as you drive – Bonus if you drive an SUV. If these people do not have enough sense to acquire and drive a motor vehicle, then they should be nowhere near a road.

Other assorted guidelines:

Highly recommended that you are driving the largest vehicle available. Bonus if you are the only one who’ll ever be in it. Double Bonus if it’s a large SUV with quadruple four-wheel-drive, with 22-inch wheels or larger.

Stop signs are suggestions, not actual law.

Yield signs are always meant for the other guy.

Most IMPORTANT: Multitasking while driving is a must. You will attempt to maximize your driving time by talking or texting on your cell phone. If you are of the persuasion and you have DVD screens in your car, those shall be on at all times (porn programming is optional) so you and your passengers can watch videos and drive.

Now go with my blessing and remember, be one with the road.. ahummmm

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9 Responses to “Be one with the road…”

  1. Javier March 17, 2008 at 8:49 pm #

    What? You came down here and no phone call? TE VOY A EXECRAR!!!

  2. Javier March 17, 2008 at 8:55 pm #

    BTW, how dare you say “we don’t even have a coast that we can boast about, like California, with those fantastic sea views of the Pacific ocean and its high drops that make your skin crawl”?

    We have fantastic views of the Atlantic Ocean and white sand beaches that California DO NOT HAVE! Many of Florida beaches are included year after year in the Top 10 Beaches. Gulf Coast beaches, where you live, have a talc-powder like sand with no match anywhere.

    Yo te digo, SINCERAMENTE!!!

  3. Beelze March 18, 2008 at 12:41 am #

    Jav, you know Broward people (even though you is one now), they can’t drive, they can’t adapt, they must live no farther than 2 miles from a mall or they are lost in the boonies and call 911 to rescue them.

    Miami is dangerous driving? which is considered the MOST DANGEROUS INTERSECTION IN THE USA?

    Flamingo Road and Pines Blvd, Broward County, Florida.

    I rest my case jejejejejeje

  4. eusmaca March 18, 2008 at 4:03 am #

    Javi what I meant was that Florida does not have a highway along the coast were we can drive and see the ocean and what ocean we have, pity that what we see is condo’s after condos after condos.. while driving 2 miles per hour because we have a trillion cars in front of us.

    Beelze.. Hilarious, you hit it right in the nose.

  5. Javier March 19, 2008 at 9:26 pm #

    Oye Diablo, I’m not consider myself one of those. I can drive and very well to the point other trusted me their cars in a long road trip. I can adapt. What can I say after living in Hialeah for 9 years, you MUST adapt. Since driving is not a pain for me I can go to whatever place even if it’s 20 miles from where I live. In fact, I drive to Deerfield Beach for Happy Hour on Fridays… from Doral!!!
    Aaah, and you live close to County Line.
    Mon, “hit it right in the nose?” Is this a boxing match?
    LONG LIVE SOUTH FLORIDA!!!

  6. Javier March 19, 2008 at 9:27 pm #

    Mon, having a highway along the coast is the only feature to rate a place?

  7. eusmaca March 19, 2008 at 9:35 pm #

    Javier… I just saying that being surrounded by water and not having a highway along the coast sucks.. it will sure make the trip more enjoyable, don’t you think?

    I’m not saying that we do not have beautiful beaches, because we do, in fact 3 of the beaches in my area (Tampa, Clearwater/Saint Petersburg) have been rated “Best of the best” in the whole country, not just the state.

    My whole point was that Florida (compare to other states) is boring to drive…

  8. Javier March 20, 2008 at 5:18 pm #

    I do not share with you that opinion. Having a highway along the coast does not automatically make your ride more enjoyable. I can’t care less about that highway. Remember, grass is always greener on the other side. We do not have a highway along the coast, you went to California and experienced the Pacific Coast Highway, NICE! Same applies when we compare Miami with New York. I love New York and you know that. I go there EVERY YEAR. We do not have tall buildings in every block but that does not make Miami boring or not enjoyable. I wouldn’t change the view I get everytime I cross the Julia Tuttle Causeway for nothing, that’s a breath-taking view that makes me cherish this city in spite of all its problems. Florida has Palm Trees everywhere, New York doesn’t. Florida enjoys sunny weather ALL year, New York doesn’t, even though I like to experienced the cold weather once a year. California has earthquakes, Florida has hurricanes which I will NEVER EVER trade for an earthquake, not in a lifetime!
    And no, Florida is not a boring driving state, IMO. I confirmed that in my recent trip to New York. From Georgia to Washington DC is just rocks and pine trees, nothing else. Crossing the border to Florida is a relief: We are in Florida! BTW, we have, in general, the best roads, well maintained and ample.
    Yes, I admit South Florida has terrible drivers but that does not make my life miserable. It’s good to MENTAR LA MADRE from time to time. Makes you feel good HEHEHE.

    Everything has been spell-corrected. In case Socrates complains.

  9. Beelze March 21, 2008 at 4:17 am #

    What do you mean we don’t have a highway by the coast??? A1A is what? Go-kart tracks?

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Florida_State_Road_A1A

    She HAS to get the hell out of Aventura Mall

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